I started to post the message below on RHO OMEGA DELTA, but decided to send it directly to you. Please know that I wrote it because I want you to know that you have a right to have the life you want to have. It may take work and more sacrifice, but if you hang tough through your tears and anger, you will win and have the best life for you.
What you are feeling happens to most of us. If I remember correctly, you are now renting a room somewhere. I would suggest that you step back from yourself. ( I hope that makes sense) Get a pad of paper and jot down what you think as you reflect about where you are and how you got here, why you keep making the same mistakes, what you need to do to commit to change, and anything else that comes to mind. This idea may sound silly, but, if you can be honest with yourself, it will work with helping you find "yourself".
I have been doing this myself. Without going into detail, the situation is my home is not peaceful, which I really need. In stepping away from myself, for however little time I have, I have found I have rejection issues that predate both of my marriages; I have a really bad, deeply rooted self-esteem problem, and I am a pleaser. All of this has caused me to make poor choices in many parts of my life. I am not writing this to make you feel sorry for me. I have the best psychiatrist in the world working on me. I am writing this because when a person finds themselves having the same uncomfortable outcomes in life over and over again...something is wrong. Unfortunately, the fault lies within ourselves.
It is hard to take ownership for screwing up our own lives; it is easier to blame others or something. I am very well educated; I graduated with honors from college and I have a Master's degree in Educational Psychology, and I still SCREWED UP MY LIFE IN ROYAL FASHION! All that education did not stop me from making dumb decisions. People comment on how smart I am, how beautiful I am physically, how beautiful my spirit is...but I don't hear them...and you know whose fault that is.....MINE.
Without realizing it until recently, I let demons of "rejection" and "low self-esteem" and being a "pleaser" rob me of my common sense. Not using my common sense has robbed me of being happy, has cost me a lot of money, has put me in debt, and has caused me to make poor choices in picking men to love. I am attracted to men who have a little "bad boy" in them. Then after I get them, all hell breaks loose and I have to decide what to do next. This has happened three times.........Duuuh! Who is the stupid one in this mess.....ME!
After taking a good look at myself real hard and speaking with my psychiatrist on an ongoing basis...just Him and me....I am letting Him and my common sense guide me. Am I scared, yes, because I have never trusted myself to make good decisions, so I let someone else make them or some situation determine them. I am not going to let anyone else or any situation make decisions for me. I just want to be happy and confident in my own abilities? Isn't that what we all want?
By the way, if you would like the name of my psychiatrist. His name is God. Thank goodness that He is on call 24/7, cause the possibility of me messing up 24/7 is always possible.
I hope this helps you in some way. God is with you and I am with you
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